At a Crossroads

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I’m at that time in my life when I don’t know where to go from here.

I’m trying to decide what I should do with my time, if I should take some time off next year, where I want to go for university, what I want to study and what I want to do with my life. I decided to take a jump and come straight to Australia for my foundation but I have this feeling in my heart that this is not where I am supposed to come. It doesn’t feel right to stay on in this city next year.

I feel like coming here this year is the right decision, but not staying. I have learned so much in my short 6 months staying here already. I feel like God brought me here so that I can have some time to myself, to calm my soul, to reconnect with Him, and with myself.

You see, I have barely made any friends I can just call and hang out with on a whim. I admit, I’m not the best at socialising but I usually make at least one friend that sticks. I’ve made friends, but none that I’m so close with, if you get what I mean.

And here, I feel like I’m alone, truly alone. And yes, I’m lonely, but it’s given me a lot of time to think and to clear my mind. I hadn’t realise how much being around people who care about me has allowed me to hide and bury so many thoughts but here, alone, they’re all coming back and I’m tackling them, slowly, slowly. Healing, learning, growing.

And I feel like my job here is done.

Maybe God sent me here for exactly that. You know, like the 40 days in the wilderness or something. And, once again, I don’t regret coming here. But I know this is not the place for me next year.

And this brings me back to my problem. Where am I going to go?

I’m a big city girl. The more I stay in small towns, the more I know I love the hustle and bustle of a big city. I want to live in a bigger city, you know? But at the same time, I have to think about the cost of living, of whether I can survive there on my own. I have to think of my parents and my brother. I don’t want to spend too much money. After all, it’s not even mine to spend. It’s my parents’ hard earn money and it belongs to God, not me.

I suppose God will provide. Wherever He wants me to go, He will provide. He will show me the way.

There are a lot of times where God showed me the way by giving me a gut feeling. Maybe that’s the way God speaks to me. By what feels right to me. And maybe I should act on this ever growing feeling inside of me. Do what I feel is right. Do what my heart tells me.

I’m sorry for such a long post and maybe it’s slightly redundant and not your cup of tea, but this is a post I really needed to make.

“Not all who wander are lost.” – J.R.R. Tolkien

Remember, follow your heart and chase your dreams.

Love,

Angelyn

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