I’m scared of a lot of things.
When I need to speak to someone, when life doesn’t go the way I planned, when I’m forced to step out of my shadow and into the spotlight, I freeze. I just feel like breaking down and just begging everything to stop. I’ll comply to the very thing I don’t want to do.
For example, I’m about to apply to university but I really, really want to take a gap year to just calm my racing mind and to find my roots again. But, you see, in order to defer my university application, I’d have to write a deferral letter. No surprise there, I know, but I’m freaking out. I panic and dread anything that has to do with explaining my situation to another person and more often than not, I normally don’t do it at all and just do whatever I am supposed to instead of what I want.
Yes, I know it sounds childish, but it is a very real fear for me. I want to speak up but I fear the response. I want to take a leap of faith but I’m scared of where I land. I want to chase my dream but I’m terrified of the response.
It’s a vicious cycle and I’m caught right in the middle of it.
I know it seems like a very simple thing, especially to those of you who do not have this fear. The answer is so obvious. Just go up to them and explain yourself and if they accept it, good for you, but if they don’t, then, well, at least you tried.
It seems so easy, but it really isn’t. Not to me.
For me, and I know this seems so foolish, but it’s better to not try than to try. Because if I don’t try, then I know what to expect and I can brace myself for it, even if it means me dreading it, but if I do try, then, what if they don’t understand me? What if they don’t get where I’m coming from and just outright reject me?
I know, I know. There’s a chance that they may say yes as well, but, to me- I don’t know. You could say that I’m scared of rejection. It’s similar, but it’s not quite that. I’m not sure how to explain.
I won’t say I have social anxiety per se but I definitely have a certain degree of it. I’m terrified of speaking to new people, especially when they are not of my age group. I’m terrified to speak to my own peers, people I know, what more say higher ups and authorities.
It’s so frustrating. Because my heart and mind are screaming at me, begging me to give them a rest, begging me to do what I want but my body does the exact opposite and I’m forced to power through, alive, but barely breathing, barely holding onto the ropes.
I know I should try. I know I should go all out, that this life is the only one I will live and I should be happy with it, fall completely in love with life. But I’m constantly living in the shadows, living in fear, living in the ‘what if’s and the ‘should have been’s and the ‘if only’s.
It’s so incredibly infuriating but it’s like I’m watching myself through a glass and I can’t do anything to change my actions.
I know I can. And I want to try. But the thing is, I don’t even know where to start.
I do hope, from the bottom of my heart, that you are not as trapped as I am. Because, trust me, it’s not a pleasant place to be. It’s not a pleasant place at all.