Nothingness

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I don’t know about you, but I have some days where I feel like nothing in the whole world matters and nothing is real and everything is just a dream. What’s the point in chasing your passions because nothing is going to matter in the end? It’s what a certain British YouTuber would call an ‘existential crisis’. S/O to those of you who gets this ref.

It’s so hard to function when I slip into these episodes. On a normal day, when I waste the whole day away, I will feel bad and I will make it a point to do something the next day but when I get into these phases, I literally just lie on my bed and scroll through endless posts on social media and watch countless videos just to pass the time and simply exist. Not living. Not doing what I love because at this stage, that fire I normally have for music and writing just disappears.

It’s so annoying because I am genuinely trying my best to deal with my anxiety and my depression and having these episodes every so often is not helping at all. I always think I’m getting better and then I’m slammed with these feelings of nothingness.

I mean, I should be perfectly happy. I have great, supportive friends and family. My Wattpad ‘career’ can only go up from now. I have to work on my YouTube channel though. I have remarkably good grades. Likely going to a good university. What more could I ask for?

I don’t know. I don’t even know what I want. What do I want to do with my life?

I just feel like I’m floating in an abyss of nothingness. I’m just drifting. I’m just alive. But I’m not doing anything.

I want to be happy. I suppose, ultimately, that’s everyone’s goals. I am genuinely working hard to change my life and to do what I want. I’m trying to combat my procrastination problem. I’m trying to increase productivity and just generally improve my quality of life.

But it’s so hard when these feelings of numbness and nothingness just hits me. I mean, my depression is slowly fading and I’m so grateful for that but my anxiety is definitely not.

Besides these numb feelings, anxiety also plays a huge part in hindering my growth. Right now, I’m not really tackling the problem. I’m just working around it in every aspect but it’s an obstacle I going to have to overcome at some point to be truly happy. But that’s a story for another day.

To any of you who read until the end, thank you. I don’t even know what I’m saying in this post. It’s basically just me ranting and repeating the same thing. I’m sorry it’s not my usual kind of post.

But what I want you to take back from this is to keep trying. To keep doing your best. Doing what you want. Doing what you love. Because we all only have so long to do what makes us happy. So, why not make the most out of it?

“What is the point of being alive if you don’t at least try to do something remarkable?” – John Green

Love,

Angelyn

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