I know that picture is nowhere as good as the photos you see on the Internet but I’m learning, okay? I want to try to post pictures I take now but it’ll take some time to learn and master this.
It’s no surprise, really, that everyone will have to live by themselves eventually. I used to be incredibly excited at the idea of living by myself and taking care of myself and such. But now? I’m not so sure.
Well, you see, I finished high school last year and naturally, the next course of action would be to go to college. And because I live in a ridiculously small town with absolutely nothing (don’t get me wrong, I love my hometown, but sometimes, the lack of happenings there is really frustrating), I am forced to move to a new place to further my education.
And of course, I chose a place so far from home.
I’d be lying if I said I don’t miss home. As much as I – or any of us, in fact – want to just get away from the confines of our childhood home, that very place is still the best place to be. But I suppose, it’s true what they say.
Distance makes the heart grow fonder.
And guess what? Living alone isn’t all as glamorous as I had painted in my mind.
Being an introvert, I really do appreciate all the alone time and being by myself and not having to answer to the weird judgements and purchases we sometimes make and as much as I love being alone, I do get a bit lonely every now and then.
Not only do I not speak Chinese (and just about everyone I’m surrounded by communicates in Mandarin or Cantonese), I am also a very socially inept person and finds it very hard to approach people and make new friends. So yeah, you can imagine why I don’t exactly have friends I can hang out with right now.
Living alone does have its perks though. These past 6 months have really taught me to appreciate my family and friends more and it’s given me a lot of time to think about my life, to reevaluate myself.
And this is not something I’ve just realised – more like, it’s something I have tried repressing over the last few years, what with everything going around me and school and friends and family to keep me busy – but I’m not exactly happy with my life and where I am right now.
I used to think I knew exactly what I was going to do: go to university, get a great job, travel the world. I mean, I still want to do all that but I don’t exactly know what I want to do, if you get what I mean.
I know I’m indecisive, but I’ve never been more confused. I think I’m passionate for writing and music but the more I think about it the more uncertain I get. Do I really want to pursue those and make a career out of those? I don’t know. That’s not even counting all the judgemental eyes from the people around me. I mean, doing those aren’t exactly the most ‘secure’ jobs there are but I don’t want to be stuck with doing what I don’t want.
But the problem is, I don’t even know what I want.
So yeah. Living alone has made me realised all that.
But being alone has also taught me how to step out of my shell. Yes, I’m still afraid of being alone, like truly alone and with nobody I can lean on and not those ‘I have no friends’ kinds of comments, but I’m learning to appreciate and to be more daring to do the things I want, even if that means alone.
Getting into vlogging is a huge step in itself, something I know that, deep down, I’ve always wanted to do, something that I would never have done if I were living with someone else for the fear of judgement, once again.
And another thing that’s probably not that big of a deal to most people, but it is to me, is actually daring to go out alone, such as going for a meal, going shopping, or even going for a show by myself. I’ve always viewed these things as ‘social events’ and things that I simply cannot do alone but I’ve come to realise that it’s actually okay. You know what I mean?
Yes, I do feel lonely and I do wish my close friends were here but there’s so much to living alone that I would never have learned if they were around.
I don’t know. I’m still at a crossroads for most things in my life, but I’m getting there, slowly but surely, I’m getting there.
And I suppose living alone isn’t all that bad after all.
PS. Yes, I’m currently reading Girl Online: On Tour by Zoe Sugg aka Zoella. I’ll be doing a book review on the two Girl Online books soon.