I just thought I’d write a blog post because my thoughts are so overwhelming and they’re slowly eating me from the inside out. I’ll probably make a video about this at some point but until then, writing it out it is.
I’ve been thinking way too much recently, especially now that it’s the holidays and I’m visiting my family. I’m reminded of how horrible I am at socialising and making friends and how I like being alone but at the same time, I need company, which makes it really hard for me.
You see, I’m a painfully shy person and I hate doing anything with people I don’t know very well because I don’t want them judging me. I get very self conscious when I’m with people I’m not close with and it makes me feel very uncomfortable and drained afterwards.
But at the same time, I need friends. I need people to keep me company, to give me a reason to enjoy my first time living alone. I want someone who is alright with my flaws and all and who I can be myself around with. But it’s hard, especially since my interests, more often than not, do not align with the people I’m meeting so far.
I feel so lonely and it’s killing me inside.
Don’t get me wrong, I love being alone and I need a lot of alone time to recharge, but that doesn’t mean I don’t get lonely a lot.
I want someone I can call on a whim to play the nerdiest games or catch the most hilarious cartoons. I want someone I can enjoy just sitting around with, completely immersed in our own books. I want someone I can crack the weirdest jokes around and fangirl about the most ridiculous stuff.
No, I’m not looking for a lover or whatever. I’m fine being single. After all, I need to learn to love myself before giving my heart to another person – I’ve learned from my mistake.
I guess I’m just looking for a best friend.
Once again, don’t get me wrong. I have a lot of good friends – best friends even – and I love them all dearly and I’m so grateful to have them in my life but a text or a call isn’t the same as being there with you irl
yes I just used irl. Fight me.
But at the same time, I want to be okay with being alone. I need to learn to be independent and to enjoy my own company because, let’s be real, it’s just going to get a lot more lonely from here on out, especially once work comes around and things get a little bit more hectic.
Perhaps, instead of dreading the time counting down to my flight back to Australia to finish my college
which is finishing in about a month’s itme which is going to fly by because exams so, really, it’s actually not very long at all, maybe I should look forward to it. To learn to be okay with being alone.
PS. Yes, I have very mixed feelings about this. And if it’s any consolation, i feel a lot better about going back now having written this so thank you, all of you, for reading til the end.