I’ll admit, I’ve been stuck in a rut.
Now, this is probably not something new; I’ve been stuck in this rut for years, struggling to climb out, only to fall back in deeper than before. And right now, I’m…. stuck. I’m at a standstill and I have absolutely no idea where to go from here. I want to get better but I don’t know how and I don’t know who to ask and I don’t even know what’s wrong with me.
Let me back up a bit.
I have a huge problem with overthinking and catastrophising. I will literally overthink every single tiny thing, even if it’s completely insignificant to everyone else. I try to tell myself that nothing bad will happen logically but my mind is thinking of all the what ifs and telling me everything that could go wrong.
And it makes me nervous and anxious and worried all the time. Yes, I hate that feeling but, at this point, I’m so used to it I barely even notice it.
And I’ve come to realise that I havent really felt anything in a really long time. I used to think being numb meant being emotionless, sort of like a robot, in a sense. But I’ve realised that that’s not entirely the case.
I feel numb, but not in the way I thought numbness felt like.
I literally feel the same in every situation, more so recently. I can’t find the motivation to laugh, or even smile, at things people find funny. No matter how sad things are, I can’t find it in myself to cry. I hang out with friends and, yes, I laugh and I smile but it’s merely for a fleeting second, before it all leaves and I find myself forcing it all again.
I can barely remember a time where I truly let myself feel.
I’ve been so closed off, scared to let people in, because they don’t deserve it. I have a tendency of pushing people away when I start to feel even just a little bit out of line, which, as you can imagine, is most of the time.
I’ve pushed people away so much to the point I didn’t make even a single close friend in the past year that I will ever keep in touch with.
I want to let people in. I want to love without fear. I want to experience without anxiety. I want to live without emptiness.
I don’t know what to do.
There are some days where I feel on top of the world, like I’ve finally conquered my inner demons, only for them to consume me all over again just a few hours later.
“I’ve got a jet black heart and there’s a hurricane underneath it.” – Jet Black Heart, 5 Seconds of Summer
I don’t know what to do. I’m so conflicted. I hate this, maybe even to the point of hating myself.
I thought I was getting better, I really did, but now that I sit down to evaluate the past year, I haven’t. If anything, it’s getting worse, much worse than I’ve ever been.
I’m lost, and I don’t know what to do.
I don’t know what the point of this post is. Maybe it’s just for me to pour myself into. Maybe it’s to tell those of you going through the same thing that you’re not alone.
Or maybe this is me crying for help.