It’s no secret that I suffer from anxiety and, maybe to a certain extent, depression. I’ve talked about it on this blog and sometimes, on Twitter. I thought getting away from everyone at home would help with my mental health and it did, but just for a while, before it got worse, much worse. And now, school’s out, and I feel like I’m come one full circle, only to return to where I’ve started.
“I’m alive, if living’s just a beating heart.” – Nobody Like You, Little Mix
I lack concentration and focus. It takes me way too long to fall to sleep. There are days where I just don’t feel any motivation at all and just like an empty shell of who I used to be. My hobbies don’t interest me as much as they used to. I can’t remain in the moment and my mind tends to drift off and become detached from my body, especially when I’m out with friends, supposed to be having fun. I can barely even ask anything of my family, whom I’ve grown up around, without feeling horribly anxious.
Sometimes, I don’t even feel like I’m alive. Everything feels so surreal, like it’s just a dream, like nothing is real.
Am I crazy?
Why can’t I be one of the normal people?
Why can’t I be, you know, happy for once?
Instead, I’m stuck here, suffering in an endless cycle of pain and emptiness, completely lost and don’t know what to do.
The logical, rational side of me is telling me that I should go and seek professional help, to tackle the root of the problem, no matter how hard it may be, to be able to live a normal life again.
But the anxious side of me is absolutely terrified at the prospect of sitting in a room with a stranger, professional or not, and telling them everything that’s wrong about me, and they’ll probably think I’m a lunatic.
I keep switching back and forth between the two. To go or not? Don’t get me wrong, I want to get better, I really do. But it’s so hard. It’s a big leap and it’s definitely something I will back out from if I do make an appointment.
I don’t know; I’m just so caught in the middle. It sucks.
It’s like I’m alive, but barely breathing.
But then again, what’s new?