It’s been an on and off kinda day for me.
It definitely did not get off to a great start. I didn’t get enough sleep, for various reasons, and my family was rushing to go out and so I was woken up, cranky and annoyed.
And when we were out, everyone was in such a happy, joyous mood but I felt really out of it. I felt extremely jumpy and irritated, and like I was looking at myself from a third person’s POV, like everything was a dream and nothing is substantial.
When I came back, I was alright for a while, but then all of a sudden, I wasn’t. I’ve been in that kind of mood ever since I returned early afternoon.
One moment I was laughing so hard at a hilarious video and the next, I was on the verge of breaking down.
I kid you not, I nearly broke down. It felt like everyone was too loud, everyone was judging me, everything is too much. I couldn’t focus and I was thinking about how much less physical pain would hurt (don’t worry I won’t self harm).
It’s so tiring. I feel so exhausted in more ways anyone around me can imagine.
I feel so trapped in the four walls of my family apartment. I feel so suffocated, like the walls are closing in around me. I just want to get out. I just want to be by myself for a while.
I need to.
I don’t know when this will end, if I’ll ever get better. I wonder if I should ask my therapist about anti depressants. Maybe they will help. Maybe then I can stop feeling so horrible all the time.
Sometimes I wonder why I’m born like this, why I am not a different person, why I can’t just go through life like a normal person.
I hate it so much. Or maybe, I hate myself more.
I’m crazy, aren’t I? I’m out of my mind.
What else could it possibly be?