I’m sure we’ve all faced the decision of whether we should stay or move on from a situation, whether it’s a friend, an event, a partnership, a job, it really doesn’t matter.
If you know me, you’ll know that I’m the kind of person who will always, always give someone or something the benefit of the doubt. No matter how upset or unhappy I am, no matter how much my intuitions are screaming at me to walk away, I always hold on to that one shred of hope, always telling myself that it will be better next time. Basically I always guilt trip myself into staying.
And it’s so, so tiring.
There are so many things I want to walk away from but am too scared to. There are so many things and people in my life that leave me in a very difficult and upsetting situation, but I’m terrified of what they’ll say, or whose feelings I will hurt.
I’m so tired of caring too much.
Sometimes, we’ve got to be a little selfish and care for ourselves first. After all, happiness is all that matters in life. And that’s why, despite how much my guilt is gnawing at my heart, I walked away from something that I felt very unhappy about.
For privacy’s sake, I won’t mention what this is. It could be anything: a person or a school or a position or something. All you need to know is that I was desperate enough to hold on to it for quite some time now, even though I was very unhappy to be there.
This may not be like a big deal to most of you, but it’s a big deal to me. I’ve never had the courage to do anything. Blame it on me seeing the good in everything all the time or on my depression and anxiety. I don’t really know what it is at this point. My thoughts have just become a huge jumbled mess.
When I decided to burn this bridge, I was absolutely terrified. I was overthinking it, and coming up with every possible scenario, mostly bad ones. However, when I left, even before receiving a reply, I just felt so at peace.
Now you see, once again, I’d normally be feeling extremely bad and guilty over it and just really nervous. Yes, I did feel very guilty about my decision, but at the same time, I also felt free. It’s bizarre, but it’s relieving, like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
And I feel so much better now. Like I’m finally free of something that’s been poisoning me and been in the way of my happiness, no matter how conflicted I was, I’m glad I made the choice.
I took a leap of faith. Am I sad that I left? Absolutely. It brought me much joy and great experiences for a while, before things turned sour. Do I regret being there? Not at all.
But do I regret leaving?
I thought it would bring me the happiness I’ve always wanted. A dream, in a sense. I just wanted to be happy: to go where I want to go, to have people I care about and who care about me by my side, for my ambitions to come true.
Now, many things await. I may be sad that that chapter of my life is over, but that doesn’t mean I’ve been pushed back. If anything, I’ve taken another step towards making my dreams a reality.
And I hope you have too.