Different

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I was by the sink, washing my hands, when I looked up and saw myself in the mirror. I used to be a girl with bright eyes and a wide smile, with clear skin and all the fighting spirit in the world to conquer life and make it mine. But today, when I saw my reflection, I almost couldn’t recognise myself. Dark eye bags, pale skin, glazed eyes, a guarded smile.

What happened?

When did I go from 100 to 0? When did I fall from the sky? I want to go back to the times when I could smile and be happy. I want to go back to the times where I take risks and am willing to fight for what I love.

But now? I’ve been defeated. I don’t know if it’s because of the weight of the world, or pressure from my family from being the eldest, or from me being too hard from myself. But I know I’ve lost that spark, that fire that used to burn so brightly in me. I don’t even know when it was quenched.

I used to work hard. Time used to pass so slowly and I used to live in the moment. I used to be able to read all the time and listen to what people are saying to me, invested in their words. But now? I can’t find the motivation to do anything. I feel like crap all the time, time flies by, in and out of focus. One minute I’ve just woken up and all of a sudden, 12 hours has passed and it’s almost time to go to bed again. It’s almost like I’ve fast forwarded through time. I don’t remember what’s happened.

And when people talk to me, whether it’s a close friend or just a stranger, I can’t find it in myself to focus on what they say. Everything sounds muffled, my head starts spinning and everything seems so surreal. It’s almost like I’m underwater or I’m watching myself in a movie or video game.

I used to look forward to the weekends, to sleeping late, to sleeping in, to breakfast with my family, to an outing with my best friends. But recently, all I want to do is sleep. I don’t want to get up in the morning. I want to lock myself in my room and not have to worry about the outside world. I don’t want to go out with friends, no matter how close I am with them. I’m so tired all the time. I don’t want to do anything at all.

I don’t know what I want anymore.

I dress up more, put on makeup more, force a laugh more, remember to smile and to respond and to not look so faraway. I try to write more, to read more, to watch more movies and anime, to play more games, to listen to music more, to catch up with my friends more, hoping it’ll help. But truth is, I’m not getting any better.

I’m falling further and further down, drifting away from the person I used to be, from the person I want to be. Drifting away from the people who used to bring me joy, and from the dreams I once had.

I look in the mirror, and I see that I’ve changed. I’ve fallen from the pedestal I used to stand on, thinking that everything’s going to work out eventually.

I’m sinking into deeper and deeper waters. Everything’s going darker, duller, more monotone. It’s like the whole world is fading away and there’s only black, white and grey.

I’m different. I’ve changed.

I don’t know what to do.

Much love,

Angie

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2 thoughts on “Different

  1. When we get to this point, we are no longer one of these things we are all of these things. I have just had to accept I will always be changing and that is who I am. I hope you find some comfort soon.

    Liked by 1 person

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