I understand it now: having no will to live on. But I suppose it has been living with me for months – years – now. Everyday has been a battle to survive. My hope and my lack thereof, forever engaging in battle, with hope winning just by the hair each time.
In so many instances, hope gave me a reason to continue fighting for a life I’ve always wanted, to be free of the demons that has plagued my mind. But today- I think today is the first time the light that usually comes with hope has been completely snuffed out.
I feel numb, more numb than ever before. Even though my optic nerves are working, I’m not seeing anything in colour. Everything is grey. It’s like there’s a barrier between me and the rest of the world and no matter how hard I pound, it’s not even cracked. I can’t even find it in me to force a smile.
Everything hurts. My body, my heart, my will. I’m hungry, but my stomach just feels empty and I don’t feel like eating. My body is screaming for food, but I feel nauseous. I’m cold, but it’s the kind of cold not even ten layers of clothes can keep out. My head hurts, but at this point, I don’t care to take medicine or a nap to heal it.
I can feel the muscles in my arms growing weak. It’s burning with exhaustion from just holding up the iPad I’m typing this on. A shiver runs down my spine, but I don’t care.
There’s no point.
All this time, I’ve been fighting for what I believe in. Giving in and letting go. Always looking up no matter how dark it gets. But now, I wonder what I was doing. Where did I find that fighting spirit when there’s nothing to fight for.
Everything around me seems fake, plastic, pointless. We’re all just slaves to society, tossed out with the dirt once we’ve exhausted our purpose.
I’m trying. I’m trying so hard to find a purpose, maybe even desperately so. Just a small spark will do. To keep me going. To maybe reignite the fire that had long since burned itself out. But I’m met with complete darkness, where I can’t even see the ground beneath me.
I try to speak up, but my words are always drowned out by their thoughts and opinions and beliefs of how things should be. It’s like I have no part to play in the story of my own life. What does it take for them to listen to me? Do I need to be gone before they finally do?
I’ve been fighting for the people around me, to keep them close, to make them proud. But what do you do when the people who were supposed to believe in you the most, who’s supposed to pick you up when you fall down, to support you, to cheer you on, has given up on you and shatter your soul into so many pieces that you can’t even see its dust?
I’ve been trying so hard to learn to love myself again, but really, I have never hated myself more than I do now.