When No One’s Around

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When no one’s around, the smile that is forced, that never reaches my eyes, fades away. The eyes that try to convince everyone that everything’s okay loses its shine, and falls into something that is dull and sad.

When no one’s around, I let my shoulders sag, my legs crumble, my hand loses its grip on reality, my tired body falls to the ground. My mask comes off, and all the emotions that I tried so hard to keep in when the sun is out, comes rushing in like a tidal wave that nothing can ever hold back. My body shakes, my eyes tears, my heart aches, my hand reaches out for someone, anyone, to save me from the fall.

When no one’s around, I let my head fall. I don’t have to pretend to be someone I’m not. All the anxiety and fear of the world melts away, but the gnawing emptiness eats me from the inside. The loneliness takes me in like a cold blanket, and I can never see the sun.

When no one’s around, the smile that is forced, that never reaches my eyes, fades away. I let out a shaky breath, and I collapse onto my bed, my tears staining the pillow, the pillow masking my sobs, so that I’ll be left alone, and no one has to open the door, and ask me what’s wrong again.

But if someone comes in, I’ll wipe away the tears, and force the largest smile I can, and laugh when I need to, but keep my distance, so no one has to ask if I’m okay, so no one will have to shoulder the burden and pain that comes with loving me, even if this smile never reaches my eyes.

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