I just finished watching this anime called Orange – which you should watch by the way. And while you’re at it, check out Shigatsu wa Kimi no Uso (Your Lie in April), Sangatsu no Lion (March Comes in like a Lion) and Anohana too. They all deal with heavy themes like depression and grief and they’re all really beautifully made and thought provoking and extremely worth your time – and quite a few thoughts crossed my mind, and I didn’t really know how to express it so I thought of writing a letter to everyone. Here it is.
Sometimes I wonder what it’d be like if I wasn’t here, if I was never born or if I left first. Would the pain and the numbness and the emptiness and the sadness stop? Will it fade away and will I finally be able to smile and laugh again? Will I be free from all the darkness that’s trapped in my heart? Will it make the people around me, the people I care for so deeply, happier?
Maybe they’re all better off without me. After all, I’m just selfish, only thinking about myself. I hurt people, I destroy people, just by being around them. Maybe it’d be better if I leave after all.
Maybe if I’m gone, the world would be a slightly better place.
After all, no one needs me. No one will cry for me. No one will miss me.
Maybe, if I leave, I’d finally be free from myself.
I hate myself, more than anyone else. I hate that mark on my left arm. I hate my large calves and my stomach and my face. I hate that I can never stand up for myself or say what my heart is screaming at me to say. I hate that I’m incompetent and that things are always going wrong because of me.
It’s all my fault after all. It’d be better if I wasn’t around.
But to you, I say this.
I’m sorry, past Angie, for not being brave enough to go after that boy who I thought was cute, who, it turned out, liked me too. I’m sorry for my breaking up with that guy who made you feel sad and incomplete. I’m sorry for letting that girl’s words slice your heart in two. I’m sorry for always doubting myself and to never trust my body, my memory, my ability, my anything.
I’m sorry for being sad all the time and for not being able to smile. I’m sorry for keeping everything in until it feels like your heart it about to explode. I’m sorry for being too hard on myself, and for not loving myself enough.
I’m sorry for always forcing a smile around you, for pretending that everything is alright. I’m sorry for never telling you what I feel inside, for always pushing you away because I didn’t want to explode around you. I’m sorry that I didn’t trust you enough, because I thought you would leave if you knew the real me. I’m sorry for hiding from you all the time, because I thought you’d laugh if you knew what I was going through.
Thank you for putting up with me. Thank you for loving me even when I didn’t love myself. Thank you for picking me up when I keep keeping you out. Thank you for always pushing through my walls and helping me build myself up. Thank you for being by my side no matter how hard things may get, no matter how small things may seem to everyone else.
But most of all, thank you for being my friend.
Just by talking to me and keeping me in your life, you’ve saved me in ways you can’t imagine. You’ve helped me, even if all we ever did was laugh over dumb jokes. You’ve pushed me, force me to stand and keep going.
Because I want to keep making memories with you. The good, the bad, the happy, the sad. I want to make all kinds of memories with you and hold them close.
If you weren’t around, I don’t know where I’d be now. Probably gone, to another universe, far from here. I don’t think I’d have made it this far if it weren’t for you, even if all we did was joke over badly written stories.
You saved me. You who stuck by me, who never gave up on me. You know who you are.
You saved me.
And it’s something I’ll never be able to repay you for.