I’m the type of person who immerses themselves 110% in anything and everything they do. It doesn’t matter if it’s a project or book or movie. It’s very difficult for me to enjoy something without feeling everything the characters are going through. I draw inspiration from the slightest thing and I take note of the littlest line that touches me. I feel so much, that it overwhelms me and sometimes I feel nothing at all. And I suppose, most of the time, what I mean as something ends up wilted at my touch.
I guess, in a way, because of my tendency to fully immerse myself, I am a ‘fangirl’. I love discussing and sharing my opinions and emotions but may sometimes come off as too much or too intense. And I get that. Which is why I normally keep it to myself. But I’m also dying inside because I want to share what I have learned with someone else so that they can draw inspiration from it like I have.
It’s difficult for me to just shut it off. I love to put my everything into things, into books and movies and shows, because I feel like they deserve it. I love seeing how something is created and and noticing all the little nuances in a story, but I suppose I’ve been doing too much.
I’m supposed to be growing up, to stop obsessing with things like movies and to start doing whatever I’m supposed to do at this age. Maybe I’m rubbing off too much on my friends and pushing them away because of it. I should stop, shrink back into my bubble, where I don’t talk about myself at all, like I used to do all the time. Maybe opening up was a bad idea. I never should’ve done it in the first place. Even sharing my opinion of something as obscure as a paragraph in my favourite book reveals a little bit more about me to other people.
I should stop. Keep it all in. Maybe write it here or in a diary. I thought I could try to open up. That maybe somebody can handle my intensity. But I suppose no one can. I’m just like fire, eating up everyone in my path, growing so large, too large, that eventually, everyone around me burns to ashes.
I need to stop. And keep everything inside. If I don’t, everyone will leave. And I’ll be abandoned in this world before I can even find myself.